Past Episodes
Episode 3
The Jesse Martin Cover–up
In another REAL STORIES exclusive. We reveal for the first time that the famous, round the world solo yachtsman was not really alone.
The Diary of Toby Mason.
The following is an exact transcript of the diary written by Toby Mason while he was on board 'Lionheart'. Nothing has been changed or edited. These are Toby's innermost thoughts and feelings.
8th December, 1998
I feel crap. I reckun I drank like 9 beers last night. I got with Suzy Murphy for ages but she pissed off before anything good happened. She was wearing this green g-string, which was pretty cool. I didn't get her pants off or anything but I saw it when she was bending over getting in the boat. I dunno where she went though. I'm sick of just getting with chicks and nothing else. I haven't asked Jesse yet, but I wanna go to America and bang Alicia Silverstone from Clueless. I reckun she'd do it. It'll be unreal.
9th December, 1998
It's so weird wanking on a boat. Jesse doesn't know but when he goes out and gets fish and stuff I wank in his jacket pockets. Bloody funny.
11th December, 1998
I'm bored as. Jesse won't let my drive and all the food's shit. There is a chocolate pudding somewhere that Jesse's saving till New Years Eve but I reckun I'll sneak it coz I'm so starving.
31st December, 1998
I'm gonna get so pissed tonight it's gonna be so awesome. There's no grog on the boat though and bloody Jesse wouldn't even stop at a Dan Murphy's or anything. But I think there's some vanilla essence somewhere so I'll just skull that. Jesse's being a pussy and isn't drinking coz he has to be a nerd and drive the boat. I said he should just anchor it but he's a square.
1st January, 1999
Happy fucken New Year... hope ya had a beer! I streaked around the boat last night but Jesse wouldn't let me film it coz he said that's not what the camera's for. Dickhead.
2nd January, 1999
I reckon Jesse spiked my drink coz I haven't gotten up all day, and he's fine! I spewed 5 times last night. Oh my god I feel so shit.
10th January, 1999
Jesse promises me he hasn't wanked yet but I reckun he definitely has. If he hasn't yet he will soon. He has to. How can you go a whole year without wanking? I reckun the only reason he's pissed off I'm here is because he can't just be sir wank-a-lot wherever he wants. I've wanked in his jacket, in the sail when it's down, on the steering wheel, off the edge onto some fish and on his monkeyboy headband. He doesn't even know. I'm gonna film him wanking when he does.
24th January, 1999
Me and Jesse are going to make a film. I wrote a film yesterday about a young cricketer who is at the world cup watching Australia play the windies and it's the final and craig mcdermott pulls out of the team at the last moment and they ask the crowd if any aussies can bowl pace and would wanna fill in for boof. Toby Hoby Bason (I'll play Hoby) puts up his hand and Steve Waugh picks him out to open the bowling. Hoby is awesome and bowls out the whole windies team for 28. The crowd loves Hoby heaps and he gets signed up to play for Australia all the time for 1 million dollars a year. Hoby meets Jennifer Anniston at a party and marries her. Then the final scene is of Hoby banging Jennifer Anniston on the beach. It's an awesome finish. I haven't got a part for Jesse yet but he might play the umpire at the first game. He'd be a really good ump.
H2Flow
In New Zealand, a small country off the east–coast of Australia, a water wasting campaign is underway as a matter of crucial national importance.
What's New Zealand
Good Question. For the majority of us who aren't aware of this country, the following will give you the only real insight you'll need to understand this small and relatively unknown island nation...
In New Zealand, just like Australia, it is frowned upon and at times illegal to have sexual intercourse with an animal. However, unlike Australia, New Zealanders are encouraged to have frequent sexual intercourse with sheep. There are even reports of many New Zealanders engaging in serious consensual relationships with their sheep.
New Zealanders look very similar to Australians. However, their accents are quite distinctive. The New Zealand accent sounds similar to the Australian accent, but with a bad/wrong twist.
It has often been said that New Zealand is the weird, ugly cousin of Australia. This has been proven to be true.
Tribute to a Re–enactor
Australia’s greatest ever crime re–enactor for a crime watch style show has just died. We pay tribute to this fine craftsman and remember his work.
Ben Blunt's Autobiography
Princess Mary Hate Club
Two people who run Australia’s smallest and most unpopular club.
Jeremy and Kerry have their own website at — www.princessmaryhateclub.com
Network TEN
Network TEN - Sunday Nights After Rove on Network Ten.
